Fill, Fall, Repeat

When I am writing I try not to hoard words for tomorrow. I do not want to keep it away, stored, and tucked to be used later. Which is contrary to human nature and it often occurs to me that, I should save that beautiful description or that fitting metaphor for a novel or a short story or an essay which I hope to write tomorrow. In all certainty, I know that I don’t know that there will be a tomorrow. It might seem like a bleak feeling and it may come across as a pessimistic one too, but it is a simple fact of life which upon acceptance can transform today into a fertile canvas. We are all on a terminal journey and I have filled notebooks with the words that I believe I will share someday when the stars will finally align perfectly for perfect prose to be delivered. Now, I don’t believe that no longer, there is no right time, every moment I exist here is the perfect time for me to become what I could and share who I am now because tomorrow I will be dead and someone will be there who look a little like me, who talks a little like me, but he would be different, he will have my name and know everyone I know, but he would have seen more and he would tell these stories differently. There would be so much more to say, tell and share tomorrow. So, whatever comes out today needs to come today, for tomorrow it won’t be the same story and I won’t be the same storyteller.

These words and thoughts that we believe are us, are ephemeral like the fragrance of flowers. They are identifiable, like humans, but they all have their unique intensity, and it changes with every passing moment. What I feel right now, what you feel right now, may never be as intense or as mild as it is at this moment. You may frame it differently, you may speak it differently and you will feel differently about the same words and thoughts tomorrow and would have felt differently a day before, even it was ever so slightly. So, speak and don’t ever get silenced again. I repeat the words of Faiz Ahmed Faiz here, “Bol ke lab azad hai tere, bol ki zuban ab bhi teri hai,” and today I interpret it as, “Don’t ever belittle your thoughts by denying them their right of expression; to express yourself is true freedom.”

I believe that obfuscation and secrecy are the product of constant doctrines to keep away from the rooms in our castles that we were instructed never to open. I wonder who is really benefiting from this abandonment of those web filled rooms? What is kept there, inside our own castles, that we are warned relentlessly to never look inside? There is only one way to find out and that is by honestly witnessing it for ourselves. But, under the influence of these constant suggestions, we have jammed a lot of stuff to block the way and the entire section is clogged because we believed we don’t ever have to discover what lays behind and can spend our lives furnishing the rest of our castle. Thus, before we discover what lays behind those doors, we have to unclog the way and I would advise myself to try and not clog other rooms in the process, so it is better to write what occurs today, today. Tomorrow there will be a lot of mess to clean, but it isn’t my mess to clean, it will be for the one I become tomorrow and he will choose how he wants to deal with those messes.

Before I sign off today, I would like to add, understanding that the stories are same since the beginning of times and it is our interpretation that keeps changing–getting better, getting bigger, getting bolder and getting italicized fills me with the hope that monsters we face since epoch are also similar. They are harder to recognize because our imaginations as our stories are fashion savvy too.

Finally, It may seem counterintuitive but spill all you got today, so you are empty for a refill tomorrow. Fall from the slide today, so you can climb again tomorrow and enjoy the thrill of falling freely again. Only if there is a tomorrow!